My ex-husband is getting married today. Our paths diverged from each other three years ago. The lives we wanted to live were no longer complementary to each other and we would have caused more harm than good had we stayed together. With pain and lots of tears we went our separate ways.
What an interesting, exciting, glorious, adventurous, gut-wrenching, creative, diverse, expanding, growth filled, three years it has been. In these past three years I learned about faith, about letting go, trusting my tears and allowing vulnerability a place at the table.
We are able transform the ruins of our marriage into a friendship, a real friendship, not a bullshit one, which means I’ve known about his new love for a long while now. I have been consistently happy for him and his bless so it surprised me to feel a sting at the sight of his wedding invite. I couldn’t rationally understand this reaction I am having. Why does it hurt if I am a hundred percent certain of my decisions? There is not an ounce of “What if we hadn’t …” left stewing inside so then why am I having feelings? I brought up the question during my session and my therapist said, “Congratulations! It’s graduation day. I would be concerned if you didn’t have any feelings. It’s graduation day, of course you would have feelings.” And there it is….the bittersweet taste of freedom.
We like to think that letting go as a singular step. Once you arrived at letting go, then you are done, you’ve let go. It’s gone. Done. No longer a part of you. Bye now, please don’t come again!
I hate to learn that I am wrong and wrong I am. Letting go is much like progress in any area of our lives, everything happens a little by little. You are always continuously making progress, letting go and moving forward. Those traumas you spend hours in therapy on are never something you are done with, as you are consistently progressing through it, much like you could never be done learning.
Congratulations!
Isn’t it amazing to know that there will always be more? Or better yet, as there is always more to learn, to let go, to move onward towards, there will be more reasons to celebrate.
What are you looking forward to graduating from?
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I think it’s commendable that you and your ex-husband have developed a real friendship after getting divorced, and that you wish for his continual happiness.
It’s like even though the surface is calm, there can still be unsettled feelings under the consciousness of our minds, especially when break-ups are involved. I rationally think of the decisions I made in the past and don’t have any regrets, but touching on the memory still feels sore, like a bruise to the heart.
Thanks so much Patricia. I personally put a lot of value on the relationships that we build so I try hard to maintain them. Even if it is challenging at times. 🙂
“I personally put a lot of value on the relationships that we build so I try hard to maintain them. Even if it is challenging at times.” I love this. I agree, as life is very very short and relationships are very very precious 😉
Congratulations, graduate. Lovely, poignant post. We’re human and sometimes our rationale doesn’t sync with our emotions. And I’m convinced that once you love someone, even when you are no longer in love with them, you’re tied to them a little bit. You are gracious and wise, and free for whatever greatest- and love- life may send you. Good for you. And may your ex and his new wife find happiness in marriage.
Thanks for your lovely comment Jen. I agree that once you love someone you are still tied to them a little bit. I think in ways those ties, in love or friendship is what anchors us and give us a sense of grounding when we need it the most. If we went about our way, deleting every bad relationship / friendship as they go sour, then we would be without any sense of history. With that said, I throughly believe in a good house cleaning though!
Hello,
That is so sweet! but did you really graduated? Seems quite an interesting concept, quite interresting to go through all that time and feel a medal on your ex wedding to a new bride. ( do you pass on the task of making him happy, that is nice. After all you left him so you clean your doubts, that is good-> progress). Good luck to the new wed? and blup!
Charlie you are marvellous (and you are going to save money chucking your Therapist out of your life: that is a true step forward. A big kiss and a big cheers !Charrlote.
Your amazing and full of surprises. Thanks
cheers Joseph