I must first apologize for the disappearing act. I have neglected to post these last two weeks because I needed to walk away from everything for a little while and do some thinking.
With the help of serendipity, I ended up on both extreme ends of the continental US in the course of two weeks. First, Olympic National Park and Cape Flattery (the most northwestern edge of the continental U.S.) then Chebeague Island in Maine.
When you physically stand at the extreme edge of the world, be it the edge of a continent, or the highest peak of a mountain, self-reflection becomes automatic. To make matters worse, I was 18 years old when I last did a similar Seattle-Maine trip. All of sudden I found myself falling through an avalanche of self-reflection. I turned around and saw the girl I was then reflected against the woman I am now and all the distance I’ve covered in between.
I’ve been blessed these last 15 years.
I’ve loved and been loved in return. I’ve traveled the world in pursuit of my art and dedicated myself to projects and endeavors that I believe in. I’ve supported myself from my creative efforts and have been my own boss for over 10 years. I am respected and have a great audience (you, my dear reader) who shows up week after week.
Yet, at this moment, I feel like I’ve completed a giant circle in the spiral path of life and ended up right where I began. I might be a couple of rungs up in the spiral but I’ve got little to show for it. All I have are the kaleidoscope of experiences and memories that fill my insides and make it shine, but not much more.
I know what I want next. I am clear on the “what” but entirely unsure of the “how.” What is worse is that I don’t know the “WHY.” I’ve been kidnapped by the gods of existentialism and I can’t help but wonder, what is it all for? The experience in itself? What does it all mean and why does it matter?
I know you tune into SpyTravelogue for stories of adventure and courage under fire. I wish I had returned from my wandering with light and inspiration for you instead of forcing you to witness my POW status in the grip of this existential crisis.
My only solace is that you may find the comfort you need through the truth of my own doubts and stumbles. You are not alone. Heroes would not be heroes if there were no riddles to solve or dragons to slay. Take my hand and let’s see if we can’t find our way together.
Related Post:
Don’t Quit Before You Quit
Insane Greatness Takes an Insane Amount of Time
A Mouth Full of Questions
I remember that 18 year old girl. You’ve accomplished a lot since then.
Can absolutely appreciate what you are going through….and I love this post. But don’t under appreciate this – “All I have are the kaleidoscope of experiences and memories that fill my insides and make it shine, but not much more.”
As we both know – this is more than most people will ever have. And it’s those experiences that will propel you to greatness…I know it.
“When you physically stand at the extreme edge of the world, be it the edge of a continent, or the highest peak of a mountain, self-reflection becomes automatic.” I agree. Had that experience in october when I for the first time was standing at the lighthose above Cape of Good Hope. The point where the two big oceans meet each other. Who am I? Who do I want to be? With whom am I related? Thanks for a great post.
For the record, I see plenty of “Courage under Fire” right here, right now. 🙂 These are the tough questions to ask. It takes courage to face them.