The last frame of Wok the Dog has been shot. The first edit from this summer is complete. The second edit is underway. I need time to finish writing. Time without the push, pull and demands from every direction.
A solid block of time to do nothing but write feels impossible in NYC. Faking my own death might be the only way I would be able to finish the book in NYC.
Hmm..fake my own death…..What would it take to fake my own death? On a raining grey miserable Wednesday, R and I opted to work through the logistics on how to fake my own death instead of working on actual projects in our weekly meeting.
How To Fake Your Own Death 101.
Premise: To fake your own death and still be able to re-surface later, come back from the dead.
Pre-Requisite: Single. Or your significant other is in on it. Faking your own death is a terrible and cowardly way to get out of a relationship.
1. Social Media silence.
No status updates, likes, or retweets on Social Media for 6 weeks prior to the date of your death.
2. You need a friend, a partner in crime, you can’t do this alone.
The quickest way for the news of your possible demise to spread is via Social Media. You need a friend to post “OMG! She has gone missing and it is presumed dead by the police!” for you.
3. Keep the details vague.
If you want to re-surface 6 months later with a complete manuscript and a book deal in hand, fewer specifics there are the better.
A terrible gruesome death is not the best-laid plan.
You slipping on a piece of soap in the bathroom, hit your head on the edge of the sink, staining the white tiles red is not a great idea. It’s hard to come back from that. Being kidnapped and murdered by militia in the DRC raises too many red flags. An element of mystery is important. You are in coast of Kenya and you chartered a puddle jumper to some remote island and the flight disappeared. You are in Kazakhstan researching your next documentary, went out for dinner and that was the last time anyone saw you.
You want to disappear and presumed dead.
4. Off shore account.
For the 6 months of your presumed death, you will need money. Before you leave for your home away from home, liquidate as much of your assets as possible and move it to an off shore account. Once you are thought to be dead it will be hard to access your regular bank accounts.
5. Put everything in storage.
Save on rent (especially NYC rent). Pack up everything and put it in storage before you leave. It will all still be there when you return.
If you have a once-in-a-life-time-to-die-for apartment and you don’t want to give up the lease, sublet it. Have your renter deposit the rent into the offshore account and then wire transfers the rent to your landlord.
6. Tell your parents you need to go into witness protection and ignore what they see on your Facebook page.
It would be mean and inconsiderate to give mom a heart attack and shed a lot of unnecessary tears over your fake death, especially when you will come back from the dead. Tell them you are going into the witness protection program until it is safe for you to return. Ask them to keep your secret while you are gone, living under an alias, hiding from high level criminals and allow your friends to think you are dead. You clearly can’t tell them any details for the sake of their own protection.
7. Passports and documents.
There are a couple of options on this and it is actually rather simple.
Option A: Exit the US on your regular passport and go to a country where it is relatively easy to get counterfeit documents — Thailand comes to mind.
Option B: Legally change your name in the US and get a whole new set of documents and paper works legally. (This plan does not work if you are running away from the government, have pending criminal charges or avoiding the IRS).
8. Taxes and all that goodness.
As long as everyone gets paid, no one will care and look for you. Sad, but true.
You can easily file your taxes online, overseas, under your new legal alias, and still keep your credit score.
If you have all of the above in play, coming back from the dead should be pretty simple. Remember the first rule, the less you say the better! An air of mystery is a must.
At this point of our work session, R asks a very insightful question, “Who needs to think you are dead? It’s not your immediate family and not the government…so its work relationships and friends, people you voluntarily interact with?!”
“…” I consider all that is implied with R’s insight.
“Plus, you have multiple alias and passports already. I would never believe in any rumor of your death!” R reminds me.
“You are saying that I could never die! WOW. You just made me immortal!”
All joking aside…faking my death seems rather dramatic way to find some quiet to finish the writing … which means one day soon, you will have to excuse my silence and absence.
Except that day is not today…
I am taking the gallery and three extraordinary artists on our roster, Richard Hart, Joshua King and Dominic Sansone down to CONTEXT Miami, Art Basel Miami Beach.
If you are down here, or going down, let me know. I’d be happy to add you to our guest list.
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