I didn’t intend on being here, regrets from 5 years of traveling
I didn’t really intend on being here. Buenos Aires was a logistical choice; the easiest entry point into South American from Africa. It guaranteed good Internet access so I can work and since I’ve been here before, I could keep my head down, and not feel guilty for not seeing the city. I didn’t really intent on being here.
The city of good wind. Wool socks. Pale blue eyes attached to a British accent. A last minute decision to come back into the city a day early. Each decision simple and innocuous in their own. No one would have ever guess it would add up to the end of a love and life as you know it.
It has been five years since. An anniversary I was unaware of until I landed in EBB. As the taxi wind it’s way through the city, the memory releases every detail back to me as if it’s been waiting in the wings for my arrival. Suddenly, this unintentional stop feels…important, marking the end of … something.
There is no huge ah-ha moments or big ridiculous decisions such as its time to get married and have a baby. Never the less, being here now feels less accidental and pragmatic. An invisible hand of grace asking me to take a moment and acknowledge these last five years. I retraced my steps back to the tango club where we went so long ago, had a quiet drink, ever so grateful for every moment of magnificence since.
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What do you miss the most from being on the road all the time?
Some people miss their bed, reliable Internet connection, a seat on the toilet, consistent electricity, more clothes to wear than the two rotating outfits we carry, brown bread….
When it comes to my turn to answer, I always fumble, never able to come up with something that I miss with absoluteness. Coffee is the closest thing I can think of.
Scott and Jen got married this Memorial Day weekend. I was supposed to shoot the wedding for them but travel and work made it impossible. Erin and Casey just got married and I wasn’t there for it. Stephanie and Jamie welcomed baby Julian into their lives nearly two years ago now and I’ve yet to meet him. Anatol is starting the 5th grade. What?! Last I checked he was in the second grade. Tricia and Whitney both had exhibits in NYC this summer and I wasn’t there. Elaine had another successful cherry pie season marking the Nth year of this endurance performance art of hers and I could only salivate from afar.
That is what I miss.
I’ve circumnavigated the world by plane, by bus and by car once a year these last five years. I would sooner get on a 12 hour bus ride in foreign land than a 5 hour flight across the US to hug my oldest friends. If I have any regrets over these five years, it would be that I didn’t come to see you often enough.
Just as I never really meant to be in Buenos Aires, I never intended on this never ending adventure either. All I did was say YES and I hope that is still the right answer.
Looking back for a second just so I know where I’m going next (marriages and babies not withstanding), what I want for sure (other than incandescent moments on the road) is more time with you. I will come see you more often and miss out less on what matters. Promise.
What’s more difficult: the promise of keeping true of what keeps an individual the happiest, or the internal promises the person makes to their friends? Commitment and sacrifice aren’t necessary exclusive, and sometimes, their inclusivity as partners can be terrible. Here and now, I’ve made an implicit to my aging parents. Yet, I still want to be in the German capital city, to participate in all of what it and all its residents have to offer: it’s been a year since I left Berlin after an 8-week stay. Although I accepted them long ago, promises can ask too much of us, too.
I don’t have an easy answer. I am good for my word — which also means I don’t make promises easily. If I do, if I gave you my word, then you know I’m good for it. I think maybe the underlying question (and this is not straight forward either) is who are you living for? We live both for ourselves and for those we love — but who comes first when?
I travel all the time as well – and you’re right, as far as I go and as much as I carry my friends inside me… I miss the big events. The photo album days, that I really should have been there for. My friends always forgive me, but I miss those memories I should have had.
Its hard….except I don’t really know how to live any other ways. Being on the road makes me so incredibly ALIVE….and I think both my friends and family would want that. So you try to show up, the best you can, when you can. Only if we knew how to teleport.