I am disappeared, by Charlie Grosso

“And on the worst days
When it feels like life weighs ten thousand tons
I sleep with my passport
One eye on the back door
So I can always run
I can get up, shower, and in half an hour I’ll be gone”

These lines of lyrics plays on repeat in my head, over and over again. None of the usual tricks works and I can’t get it to stop. I give in and play the song at full volum instead. The rapid tempo of the driving down beat quickens my pulse and I insert myself into the scene and I am ready to go.

I do sleep with my passport, leaving has always been easier than staying and the new is always exciting rather than intimating. But as a responsible career professional and a woman who is looking for her “person,” it was time for me to ask myself some tough questions.

Am I running?
What am I running from?
What am I afraid of?
If I am not running then why is the idea of a one way ticket and no return date always seem so appealing?
Am I afraid of commitement?
Am I afriad of intimacy?
Am I afraid of letting you see who I am, deep down, no disguise, as is, flawed, stubborn, and everything else?
Do men consider me a flight risk?

One hard question pile ontop of another and it gratually spins out of control. I like to believe the fight or flight instincts are equal partners inside of my lizzard brain but maybe my track record begs a differ. If I am truly interested in running, in flight, then I should do it well, do it smartly and commit to a life of perpetual nomad. This half in half out life is hard, harder than it looks. If I am not running…..then what am I interested in (I fully believe we resesrve the right to change our minds and course correct!).

Flight?

Fight?

Deep down….the voice answers, Neither.

I don’t want to run, not from you and not from this life.

I don’t want to fight.

I want to build.

I want to build, put down roots, and commite. I want to commit to my art in all ways, the business, the life. I am ready to shed the either or girl disguise for the both and woman.

The road calls but this time, the leaving is not to run and disappear. Curosity about life, the world coupled with commitement to complet Wok the Dog is why I am leaving again.

I might still sleep with my passport but I have also deepened into life. This feels good…..really good.