I believe one fundamental in the making of great artists involves an intimate, in-depth knowledge of themselves. A profound, if not nearly painful, understanding of their thoughts, feelings, behavior patterns, the full range of their emotional terrain is essential. Yet despite knowing so, any time I spend on my emotional life, I spend it reluctantly.
The times when I fall down the rabbit hole of my emotional landscape (and contemplate the ins, outs, lefts, rights and bumps in the vast terrain) are thought of as “unproductive,” “self-indulgent,” and, worse yet, “girl-like.” In a recent conversation, a close girlfriend recounted a confession of feelings from a guy she has been seeing. He expressed a lot of sentimentality and emotions over what is supposed to be a “no strings attached” arrangement. Upon hearing the depths of his feelings, we crinkled our noses and asked, “why is he being such a girl?”
In Tony Porter’s TEDx Women Talk he discussed how men are collectively socialized to exist in “the man box,” a common set of principles of what it means to be a man. A man is said to be tough, strong, courageous, dominating, without emotions, without fear, in charge, superior, etc.
Women who are successful and are in a position of power in the work place are often described as tough, strong, dominating and most importantly, unemotional. There is a subtle undercurrent message: that in order for women to achieve, make our way into the boardroom and the C-suite, we need to behave as men have been socialized to do. Have we unconsciously adopted “the man box,” believing that those are the traits that we must exhibit in order to succeed and get to the top? Has the ongoing fashion of women in power suits coupled with Sex and the City style sexual liberation and unemotional sex completed our adoption of the idea that in order to be successful we need to be as men-like (aka unemotional) as possible?
Of course none of the characteristics listed in the “man box” are inherently male or female. Everything is incrementally comparative and relative to one another. All characteristics are available to both genders, and when used in the appropriate situation they can deliver tremendous impact. Emotional depth and intelligence is essential to becoming a great artist or a great leader, so why do we keep on describing emotions with a negative gender subtext?
Tony Porter ends his TEDx talk with this thought, “my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.” I think maybe he is right. Maybe the liberation of women needs to be conceived in conjunction with the liberation of men. We cannot fully be free, strong, courageous and fearless if men are not free to be emotional, sensitive, and soft. We need to liberate ourselves from the gender specific language and stop using one stereotype to reinforce the other.
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