Nov 13, 2008
Los Angeles, Ca
I never pictured myself as a mother. I don’t want children cause they don’t really make any sense to me. I wanted to be James Bond plus MacGyver . To be working for a “greater” cause, ruthless and suave, unshaken by anything. Women are never mad that Bond could never committee and they are simply happy to have the pleasure and privilege to have been the ONE for the night. Bond girls knew that Bond is never meant to be the husband who takes out the trash and mows the lawn. I wanted to be MacGyver just in case when the issued gadgets fail, I could make my own instead. How liberating life can be when all you need is a coke can and a stick of gum to get you out of any situation?
Last night at our friend Elif’s, I watched her interact with her 4 year old son, Anatol. If I ever had a moment in which I wanted a child, I think I felt it last night. It is not a child that I want, but what I envied was the bond and connection between the two of them. All Anatol ever needs is his mother, it wouldn’t matter that there are riots on the street or the house is on fire, as long as he can be held by his mom, all is well. To see that contentment and pure joy in Elif when she is with her boy – so untainted by anything – it made me wish for the purity of that love.
Looking at Anatol, I can’t help but be excited for him and yet sad at the same time. There is still so much for him to experience, to learn. First love, first kiss, first car, first epiphany, first everything. Yet, he still has to learn about heart break, disappointment, rejection and bell bottom pants. Elif’s heart will travel with him through all the ups and downs and I wonder if this is not a devil’s bargain after all.
Maybe that is why I wanted to be James Bond. It is easier when your life is your own and there is no one waiting for you at home. Bond might be more glamorous and exciting, but maybe he is not the brave one after all.
“Bond might be more glamorous and exciting, but maybe he is not the brave one after all.” – exactly